Nov 13 2008
Eliminating the stores you can shop in one by one
With aging there often comes changed and altered bodily functions. They are unpleasant at best. Sometimes they can be dealt with, sometimes they become one’s daily horror that can only be endured, covered up, or ignored.
Such an altered state is the inability to control flatulence either by timing or amount.
This particular change came upon me quite gradually…..I thought I might just be eating something that was causing all of this. Not so, it seems. EVERYTHING now gives me gas. And worse, it seems that I can no longer bend at the waist, sneeze, cough, or walk at a fast pace without it’s vile presence being known to the world.
It’s not just odoriferous, it’s bad in it’s announcements. It shows up at the worst possible moments, usually in stores; definitely when there are other people innocently shopping in the same aisles as I am. Never, never, never does the wicked beast hold itself in check until I have climbed alone into my car, or out of earshot from others of my species. No, it is not that polite a beast. It waits in its lair until it is certain that there is a crowd before it makes itself known. Dinner parties, you ask? Prime time for an appearance of the beast. Grocery stores? Like clockwork.
As I explained to my best friend, it is as if the beast were insuring that I am not able to shop at any store. One by one they are being eliminated as places where I dare not show my face again. I can no longer go to Costco, Safeway (4 of them), Albertson’s (3 of them), Nordstroms, Macy’s (but it’s pretty big, I can still shop in some departments)the Seven-Eleven down the street from me, Winco (1), the mini-mart at the Texaco station, and two Plaid Pantry’s. Once I was in Safeway and with each step down the aisle the beast emitted a small peep. I sounded like a defective Model T ambling it’s way to the mechanic’s. Slowly, but surely, I am being reduced to shopping on line. That is, until I’m old enough not to really care anymore.
I have removed (systematically) items from my diet, the way that I drink liquids, I have taken Beano and all it’s cousins, but to no avail. The only thing I make sure of is NOT to consume ANYTHING at least three hours prior to shopping or going to an event. I believe 2007 was my last season at the opera. Thank GOD movie theatres have LOUD sound systems. At least that venue is not forbidden to me (yet)!
Will this stall me out in life? Not at all. I hope, someday, to be known as “The Little Engine That Could”.
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Yes, well it isn’t just as we humans age, it’s our pets too. My one year old kitty has some pretty nasty smelling gas. You pick her up to love on her and your nose hairs are quickly melted with the toxic smell. Her Vet says it is because of the vegetables in her food. We’re told to eat plenty of fresh vegetables…could that be our problem too?