boomerlaughs

In the 70s, 80s, and 90s I was known for the 4″ stilettos I wore.  Ankle wrapped and often black patent (my favorite, and no Virginia, they don’t really reflect up!) and God forbid I forget to mention the over-the-knee boots………HOW I LOVED them!

Often criticised because they were just too, too out there at the time, I kept right on wearing them.  I LOVED the way my legs looked in them.  Don’t forget that women still wore suits to work, the more manly looking the better.  But for me, Imelda Marcos was the goddess supreme as far as tootsies were concerned.  They were often difficult to find, no on-line shoe boutiques were to be found….in fact, no on-line anything was to be found.  My goodness, I can’t believe we actually had electricity then!

But alas, I stream fashionista tears.  I am surrounded by Manolo Blaniks, Yve St. Laurent (may he rest in peace), Pradas, Bottega Venetas, Fendis, Derek Lams, Christian Laboutins, and Pierre Hardys……….FABULAS heels that were never available in my day……..and I can’t wear a one of them!  DAMN!

Age has taken it’s toll on my feet and calves (we’re not even going to address my back) and I have been reduced to the cesspool of all shoe cesspools, the comfortable shoe.  Not even a two inch heel!  It’s thick-soled ballet slippers for moi.

Last fall my husband and I went to see Carmen.  It was his first Opera (he’s in a progressive metal rock band but he likes all live music) so I wanted to pull out the works.  I bought a pair of kick-butt gunmetal patent shoeties with elegant scrolled metal tips and heel guards.  The toes had a little marcasite jewel in the tips.  They were HOT, and only 2 1/2″ heels.  I thought I could bear them for ONE night.  ALL we did was cross the parking lot, go into the theatre, and sit for 4 hours and I was nearly crippled by the time we got back to the car!  I couldn’t walk for two days.  So it was obvious that I was doomed to flat shoes forever, and ever, amen.  I cried.

Good bye, Christian Laboutin!  I will see you in my dreams.  I am sorry, Imelda, that I’ve let you down.  Sex and the City……my lamentations reach funeral proportions each time I watch you.  I can, and have, handled the inequities of holding paper three miles away from my face in order to read it, propping up jowls and wrinkles with auto putty, and having my forehead resemble Niagra Falls in 30 degree weather with no coat.  But, this, THIS, this is a monumental loss.  It’s MY mid-life crises.  I envy Meryl Streep who, ahead of me by almost 10 years, tripped the light fantastic in The Devil Wears Prada donning hot shoe after hot shoe after hot shoe.  I was totally envious.

I had always wondered why I saw older women wearing the dreaded comfortable shoes.  I thought they were just behind the times and questioned why they didn’t pull themselves into a little more attractive state.  NOW I know.  And it ‘ain’t’ pretty!  They CAN’T!

Bah-bye, Christian.  I shall miss you!

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